Chuck Norris and bridge

Bridge to Nowhere likes to keep abreast of the memes and fads which sweep the Internet, and like bridge players everywhere, is always within a couple of years of the latest fashions. In this spirit we present our list of Chuck Norris Facts: If Chuck Norris Played Bridge...

• Do not pull Chuck Norris’ penalty doubles. This is your only warning.


• General rule of defence: Lead through Chuck Norris, and up to weakness.


• When other partners overcall, and you don’t lead their suit, you lose the post mortem. When Chuck Norris overcalls, and you don’t lead his suit, you ARE the post mortem.


• Chuck Norris does not bid one more when he is in doubt. Chuck Norris is never in doubt.


• When Chuck Norris decides to play for the drop, he can bring down a doubleton king.


• Chuck Norris’ LHO opens 1D. Chuck Norris’ partner overcalls 1H. Chuck Norris’ RHO bids 1S. Chuck Norris bids 1C. This is a sufficient bid.


• There are no redouble cards in Chuck Norris’ bidding box. This is because no one dares double him.


• Chuck Norris does not play Weak Twos. Chuck Norris cannot possess a weakness.


• Chuck Norris once made a grand slam that was missing the Ace and King of trumps. No-one revoked.


• The five level belongs to Chuck Norris.
  
• Chuck Norris does not play the Weak No Trump. If you don’t know why, you are sadly under-informed about Chuck Norris.


• Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris is not an expert at reading opponents’ cards. The cards just make it their business to be where Chuck Norris wants them to be.


• Chuck Norris just executed a simultaneous double squeeze. On your sister and your mother.


• When Chuck Norris holds AQT8, he counts four top tricks.


• Who would win if the Italian Blue Team could play the Culbertson team that won the ‘Bridge Battle of the Century’? Answer: Chuck Norris.


• Chuck Norris does not make slam. Slam makes Chuck Norris.

Next post: some topical musings on the sinking of the Titanic...